Heart To Heart: “Communication: She Feels”

Communication is one of the biggest break down between male and female interactions. Chris and I are trying to paint a vivid picture on exactly how men and women communicate, in hopes to help each sex get a better understanding of one another. Chris started us off with this topic of communication in the Heart to Heart series blog He Thinks. If you haven’t read it yet, go back and read it. Now I (Hazel) will continue this topic by sharing a little insight on how women communicate. But before I do, do you remember this video from the He Thinks blog? Check it out

Keep this in mind and let’s dig in to how women communicate.

DSC_0070I have often heard people say, when it comes to the differences in communications between men and women, that: Men don’t care how women feel, and women don’t care what men think. Every time I hear someone say that, I cringe just a little. Especially once I understood how men and women communicate. Men do care how women feel, and women do care about what men think. Don’t believe me? How many times have you asked the man in your life “What are your thoughts on this?” Fellas . . . how many times have you asked the woman in your life “How are you feeling?” The fact remains is that although we are of different sex, we are still human beings who have emotions. Those emotions may be expressed differently but that’s another topic for another day.

When it comes to communication with the opposite sex, it’s important to note that men and women communicate differently. Chris laid this out very well in He Thinks. Men “think”, they are more logical. Women “feel”, we are more emotional. To Chris’s point, that doesn’t mean that men don’t feel and women don’t think . . . it’s just that those are our default responses. We (women) are more emotional. Why? We’re just wired that way. Thus often when we communicate, we say a lot of “I feel” statements and don’t even realize it. We “feel” everything! Even factual information sometimes. Whether we realize it or not, we tie an emotion to just about everything . . . and we can’t help it.

Once I started understanding this about how I and other women alike communicate, I started paying attention to how often I would say “I feel.” One day I heard myself say, “I feel like I need a Coke!” And of course I said this to a male. He looked at me with one eyebrow raised and a confused expression on his face, and said to me “WHAT?!?” My response (very calmly), “I feel like I need a Coke.” His response (still confused), “What do you mean you feel like you need a Coke? Do you want a Coke?”

It was that moment when it hit me how different men and women communicate. A woman would’ve understood the need of a Coke or Pepsi feeling. A man sees it as you either want one or not. He is thrown off by the feeling aspect. Had I had the same conversation with a woman, the response would’ve been totally different. She would’ve expressed to me how she too felt like she needed a Coke or had the same feeling recently. We then would’ve pressed our way to get our cola beverages, sat down, and continue to converse with one another. And after that first sip, we would’ve said, “Aaaahh . . . I feel much better” and proceeded to share about our day, and why the feel for a Coke was much needed.

If you’re a guy reading this, you’re probably still stuck on “feel” for a Coke. You’re probably questioning “How do you feel for something tangible that you want? You’re either thirsty or not. You either want a Coke or not. You don’t ‘feel’ for it.” To you it makes no sense, but to a woman it makes perfect sense because we feel. Because our default response is to feel, we tend to use that as a means to share and bond with one another, and our men. This is why we are always asking our men, “How do you feel about that? What are you feeling?” It’s the way we connect with you . . . it’s the same way we connect with our fellow sisters.

Being naturally emotional and nurturing, we connect and bond based off of feeling and sharing. We are allowed to express our feelings and not have any push back from others or society when we do so. Since we are allowed to do this, we have no problem sharing with others. The more we share, the deeper the connection and bond gets for us. So when it comes to our men, the way we feel closeness is through our ability to share with him, and his ability to share not only his thoughts, but his feelings with us. When our men do not connect with us in this way, we feel distant from him. He may be thinking everything is cool, but she may be feeling like things are not cool because he is not opening up.

Men, understand that her way of getting close to you and bonding with you is through a mutual sharing of feelings. Women, understand you have to be patient with your man when he is taking his time to share deeply with you. Remember our default response is to feel, his is to think.

Next, Chris and I will share what we have learned along the way on how to flex our communication to make for a better connection with the opposite sex.

Got a question that you want to send privately? Email Chris and I at: heart2heart.ch@gmail.com

Be blessed!



Heart to Heart Series: “Communication: He Thinks”

When Chris and I sat down to discuss how we wanted to kick off this Heart to Heart series, the first topic that came to mind was communication. It is important to understand how men and women differ when it comes to communication. It’s not that the way one communicates is right and the other is wrong, it’s just different. We have to learn to accept these differences, and find ways to be more effective with the opposite sex to better engage with one another. So for the next several blogs within this series, Chris and I are going to focus on just that. Before we dig in, I want to share this YouTube video called It’s Not About The Nail. Go ahead and watch this less than 2 minute video as it paints a perfect picture on how differently men and women communicate.

Now, keep that in mind as you read Chris’s blog post on how men communicate:

There was a statement I heard years ago that suggested the most interesting thing…that men were like waffles and women were like spaghetti. Obviously, waffles being an example of logical, symmetrical compartments, and spaghetti being an interconnected, interwoven network of strands. This was probably the closest illustration (in my mind) of how men think and communicate that I’ve heard. Since then, one of the most intriguing discoveries that I’ve made was the glaring difference between how men and women communicate with each other.

Let’s do an experiment: The next time you have an engaging conversation with a man, notice the number of times he says the words, “I think.” With the same level of intrigue, the next time you have a conversation with a woman, notice the number of times she uses the words, “I feel.” What you’ll begin to see is that, even when sharing facts, men “think” and women “feel.” Now that’s not to suggest that women don’t think and men don’t feel. But, what I will say is that it’s not our primary default. The revelation here is that men don’t engage their heart and emotions when communicating as often as women do. That said, please don’t misunderstand…men feel things very deeply…we just don’t often share deeply. I can hear you asking now, “Why is that?” Honestly, it boils down to a matter of safety and trust. I know what you might be thinking, “How does a big, strong warrior feel unsafe when it comes to communicating?” Easy. An arrow shot at his body can be blocked by his shield. However, an arrow shot at his heart is MUCH more difficult to defend against.

For most men, the last time they were regularly vulnerable while communicating was as a young boy…with his mother. Now, to be fair and equitable (because I’m a daddy), boys do share openly with their fathers. The most distinct difference is that most conversations with Dad are “how to” conversations. “Feelings” conversations are most often had with Mom. That was the last person he trusted to communicate exactly what he felt. When he was a boy, it was okay to cry when he was hurt. It was okay to express sadness when his best friend moved away or when he lost something he cared about. It was safe to fail because he would always be encouraged to try again…as if the expectation was that he was sure to win because he was reminded that he had what it took to succeed. That safety, that trust, faded for him around 7 or 8. That’s about the time when the affirmation for his accomplishments became expectations. That’s around the time when the response to failure changed from encouragement to chastising and critique…all without much warning. Being confused by the “shift,” all of the openness, transparency, and vulnerability was suffocated. The most devastating breach of his safety and trust came at the hands of the loving architect of his safe haven, his mother. In her defense, she was probably completely unaware that this catastrophic break had happened at her hands…but it did. It was then that his most tender emotion in communication was replaced with fiercely protective safe guards.

 Most of what you, as a woman, experience when you communicate with a man (on an emotional level) is him working through his protective check list to see if you are safe and can be trusted. Because the flashbacks to that “shift” in his childhood are so intense…when he could no longer cry when he was hurt or was expected to “be strong,” or “suck it up/walk it off,” the weight of allowing it to happen again is crushing. He was expected to be strong before he knew how. So, the constant expectation for his strength as a man is a reminder of the fact that he has an instinctive desire, but lacks the skill and “know how” to confidently pull it off. So, instead of admitting that he doesn’t know how, because he was never taught how, or that he has crippling doubts about his ability, he constructs a façade, a mask, so that he can function.

These are the realities of what exists below the surface. So, taking these realities into account concerning generally what he is thinking and feeling when he communicates with you will help you build a healthy level of exchange with him. Be patient though. Safety, when it comes to matters of the heart, takes time to build. But, the hope for you is that what you need and desire from him in communication…is actually in there. Your love and patience will be the massaging he’ll need to bring it out.

 – Chris

Well there you have it! Stay posted for the follow up to this topic: Heart to Heart Series: “Communication: She Feels” You can email Chris and I at heart2heart.ch@gmail.com

With love


Heart to Heart Series: Meet Chris Davis

For quite some time, I have been wanting to add a male’s voice to this blog. With the supporters being mostly women, I know many of us (women) want to hear a male’s perspective when it comes to dating and relationships. Although you all get to glean from my experiences, I’m not a man; and therefore cannot fully express in writing what a man thinks/feels when it comes to the topic dating and relationships.

My heartbeat is to try to encourage and empower women to be the best woman they are able to be. I want to help women to embrace the unconditional love of God, to heal from their past hurts, and to understand how to practice self love. In addition to all of this, I want myself and my sisters . . . yes all of you . . . to enter into healthy relationships with men. To the brothers who support this blog, you know by now that this site do not male bash. I want men to have a better understanding of women, and women to have a better understanding of men. In the end, my prayer is that we draw closer to God to help us to be the men and women God has called us to be. It is then, through Christ, that we are able to flourish in our relationships.

I say all of that to say, that God has placed it on my heart to start a blog series called “Heart to Heart”. It is through this series where we will explore topics as it relates to dating and relationships from both the male and female perspective. As I was sharing this vision with a dear friend, it became clear that he was the person I was to do this series with.

Please allow me to introduce you all to my great friend Min. Chris Davis. Chris and I have dug deep into several conversations around dating and relationships. We both realize that we share the same heartbeat for our respective genders. The things we discussed, we have been able to share them in other platforms, and now want to share with you! Check out Chris’s bio:

     Min. Chris Davis is the founder and president of The Bridge Leadership Foundation a local faith based organization that serves youth and families of Indianapolis. He attended Indiana University and played football for the Hoosiers (yes, Indiana is more than a basketball school!) He is single father of three superstar sons who are truly his pride and joy. In raising his sons, he often says that part of his job as a present and active father is to grow thoroughly equipped young men who will impact the world as good men and  “good catches.” A former educator, coach, and youth pastor, Mr. Davis has been serving youth and families for over 12 years. He is a poet, lover of music, and an avid movie buff.

     Chris has served and consulted in some of the largest ministries in the country. From his service, he has developed keen insight regarding single-hood, relational dynamics, and strategies to engineer health in these areas. His greatest desire is, taking a page from the late Dr. Myles Monroe, to live a life where he is gone, he will have given everything God has gifted him to give.

I’m so excited about this blog series! Please keep us in prayer as we seek to hear God’s voice on what and how to share with all of you.