All Men Are Dogs . . . Really?

Are all men really “dogs”? Aren’t there still some good men out there? I like to think there are still good men out around. There was a point when I did start to think that “all men are dogs”. This thought for me came to play (like for most women), after being hurt and mistreated in so many relationships. Like most women, having your heart stomped on by so many men will make you start to believe that there are no good one’s out there. Then you get to a point where you put this huge wall up, and won’t allow yourself to trust the next man. The next man that comes along start to pay for how all the others treated you. Not fair right? Well this is where I was at one point. Good thing is I started to realize how my thoughts about men and relationships were before the next man come along. I wanted to change my way of thinking so when the next man came, he wouldn’t pay for all the things the others did. I didn’t, (still don’t) want to block my blessing of having a good man in my life.

When I was at that point of thinking “all men are dogs”, I decided to take self inventory. I knew I didn’t want to end up like most of the women I know that think this way about men. I didn’t, (still don’t) want to be in my 40’s and 50’s thinking this. Still being bitter about what the last man did to me. I knew that I wanted (still do) to be married and have a healthy, loving, and happy marriage. I knew that I wanted (still do) to show my children what a healthy relationship is like. So, I started thinking back on all of my past relationships. While doing this, I didn’t date anyone! I wanted to fix some things for myself. I looked at how the relationships ended. The part I played in them (cause it takes two to tango). I started seeing some common similarities in all the guys I dated. Then it hit me. It’s not that all men are dogs; it’s the ones I choose to have a relationship with that are dogs. Something was wrong in my selection. Then I started to look at the standards I had set when I met someone. Realized then that I needed some better standards. Key is; I had to stick to my standards. I also realized I had to learn when to let go. Some of my relationships went on way longer than they should. I didn’t know when to let go of the relationship. This opened the door of being used and walked over because I let it go on longer than it should. I also realized I needed to speak up more for myself. I needed to not be so afraid to express how I truly felt about something. I was too passive at times. This self inventory helped me realize what it is I want out of a relationship, and what I offer in a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I have run into a couple “knuckle-heads” since my self-inventory, but better believe I don’t allow them to stick around long. My feelings are spared, and no more sleepless nights. Now I refuse to think that all men are dogs. Sometimes we have to go through some bad ones in order to be prepared and appreciate the good man who is meant for you. I know he is out there. I’m patient.


Crabs in a Barrel Mentality

So today I was talking about this “crabs in a barrel mentality” with a friend. We were saying how sad it is to see this amongst black people in the work place. Now don’t get me wrong there are some black people that do not have this mentality. There are some that are genuinely happy to see other black people succeed and prosper. Then there are the others. You have those that cannot stand to see another black person succeed. Before I get too deep into this, I want you to know that I am aware that this mentality is not just infectious among blacks; this mentality does exist within other races as well. Since I’m a black women at a corporate job, I can only speak from my experiences and what I see happening. Now that I have that disclosure out there here it is:

Think about where you work. Think about your top level of management. Now how many of those top level managers are black? How many are black women? Do the same thing for your middle level managers? How many are black? How many are black women? My guess would be not many, if any at all. So when you see that entry level worker that is working her butt off start to get some recognition, why try to bring her down? Why sit amongst your circle of “crabs” and dog her out because she wants to try to climb that “corporate ladder” or even just do better for herself. Why not encourage what she is trying to do? Or better yet, try doing some of the things you notice she is doing to get the same recognition you really want. But know most of us don’t think that way. Some of us rather dog that person out because we are too afraid that somebody may get one over us. I don’t get it.

As I said earlier this mentality exists within other races at the workplace. Guess what? It’s not as noticeable as it is among black people. Why? Because white people, for example, will still smile and greet the co-worker they are envious of. They will still work happily next to them. When they talk to each other it’s very cordial and in a pleasant tone. What do we do? Size the one that we are envious of up before we speak. Roll our eyes and are neck. Talk to that person in very nasty tone. If we have the case of this “crabs in a barrel” mentality really bad, we refuse to work next with them. Hmmm that last statement is all too familiar. I almost got a flash back. The problem with is those middle level managers see this, and believe it or not the top level do too.

I just hope that this mentality go away some day, so black women like myself can keep striving and actually make it to the top without some “crab” trying to pull us back down. Maybe that’s too farfetched. In the meantime I’m gonna try to stay away from the “crabs” at work with my “crab repellant” 🙂 .