No More Hookups

no more hookups imageWhatever happened to the times where dating/courting actually existed? Relationship hookups has taking over the process of getting to know someone, and actually dating/courting them. Society has made hooking up so acceptable. I mean the casual hookup is everywhere! We see folks hooking up left and right in movies and on T.V., and we hear about it in songs. Because this is what society accepts, many people tend to think it’s okay to hookup, and will justify their reasons for it. What’s sad about this concept is that there are the individuals who hookup with people, and deep down desire a healthy relationship. But like a drug addict, it’s hard to stop, no matter how bad they want to.

I was that individual. I have been in several situations where I felt hooking up was okay. I mean we were spending time together consistently. We went out on dates (sometimes outside of my place or his . . . ooohh score!!).

Ladies listen to me: If he is always at your house, eating your food, watching your T.V.  &  you two never go out; you are not dating!!! Don’t confuse in-house hangouts with dating. Don’t get caught up by dating him and he’s not dating you. This another blog to write on later. Back to what I was saying . . .

We talked on a regular. But in each situation, something was missing. I wanted more. I wanted a commitment. After thinking this way for quite some time, I started looking at the value I was placing on myself. Here it is:

A nice dinner (let’s say about $40/plate) and a mediocre conversation,  in exchange for a night of tossing and getting tangled in the sheets. Sooo . . .  really I just gave up my cookie for a $40 meal and a conversation that didn’t even spark my intellect.

For some guys, I didn’t even get that out the deal!! I was letting myself get pimped out, and settling for less than I deserve. And like many women, I convinced myself this behavior was okay . . . that we will eventually end up together. That he will change or that I can change him. You cannot change no man so please get that out of your head! Then hooking up became old for me. I realized that I will never get to the type of relationship I truly desired by settling for these meaningless “hookups”.

So here is my message:

If a committed relationship is what you truly desire, then sis you have to stop selling yourself short for a “hookup”. You are only prolonging the process for you to meet the one God has for you. Trust me I get it:

You’re lonely . . . You’re like the drug addict and feel as if you could never abstain (trust me it’s hard but it can be done and it does get easier) . . . or You’re bored (this eventually became my excuse before I quit with the hookups).

Even though you may feel this way, please understand this: The right one is out there for you but you will never see him as long as your “hookups” are in the way. You are worth more than the price of dinner and a movie, a night on the town, a new designer purse and/or shoes, a weekend getaway . . . need I go on. Quit selling yourself at a cheap price! Know your worth!

It’s time to stop hooking up and let God write your love story. Your hookups are hindering you from receiving the one God has designed just for you. Your body is a temple . . . quit marrying men that are not your husband. 


**image courtesy of Google Images**

4 thoughts on “No More Hookups

  1. CoCoStilletto says:

    This message was good. I did all of the above. I finally knew my worth…..Then I married a man who adored me, alcohol and “his mother” was the biggest wedge in our marriage. They both came before me. I knew I was worth more than being second and 3rd to alcohol and his mother. I divorced him. Now every experience determines my next step in another relationship. Now ever thing is a deal breaker for me.

    Great guy loves me to death, works, don’t go to clubs, dress nice, respects me, will do anything for me. But the sex isn’t as great as the “thug passion” from my past, he always try to find the quickest way out of doing something important, speaks over me in a regular phone conversation and he smoke cigarettes. Through all the positives all I can see is the few flaws… I fell like if it isn’t one hurdle to happiness it’s another.

    So tell me now that a woman has grown and evolved to know her worth is it our independence that gets in the way of a good decent man or is it the fear of making the wrong mistake agian that we find things to eliminate ourselves from a possibly “workable” relationship? Do we want a man already perfect to our liking or do we understand that some flaws can actually change and isn’t a deal breaker?


  2. Coco's Couch says:

    Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Thanks also for being transparent & sharing a bit of your story.

    It sounds to me that it could be possible that you haven’t fully healed from your past relationship. Sometimes we can be over someone and have moved on but we never dealt with the emotional wounds from the hurt. We have to learn to walk into the freedom of forgiveness which involves a complete healing of our heart. If not, we will always find ourselves in fear of getting too close to someone thinking they will hurt is. So I ask you, have you healed from your past relationship?

    Secondly, we have to understand that everyone is flawed. You are flawed. I’m sure that the guy you are dating or the man you will marry will see your flaws. However, the one that you are meant to be with, you will look past their flaws. But…you can’t look past the flaws of others until you learn to fully deal with your own issues so that you can learn to trust and love again. A lot of women claim they want a good man but will never find it by chasing after the wrong one and not first working on themselves. You can’t change a man, his change will have to come from him.

    In your situation it doesn’t seem like your independence is getting in the way. It seems to me that it’s your fear of getting hurt again that will hinder you from finding the one. Also you may have to get out of your comfort zone. I was used to dating guys that were a little rough. They were jerks that didn’t know how to treat women. Now that you know your worth start setting the standard on how you want to be treated. Don’t be afraid to entertain the “gentleman” that approaches you because you are so used to dating the “thug passion” type guy. If you want something different then you have to do something different. Quit getting in the same type of relationships expecting a different outcome…that’s called insanity.

    Lastly, hold off on sex. Sex confuses things. You said the sex isn’t great. That may be the case. But we are women & we tie sex to emotions. I wonder if you have taken more time to connect with him at a friendship level, emotionally, & spiritually of y’all would have even made it to the bedroom. You may would have found things about him much sooner before your souls connected after a night of physical pleasure. Why rush the dating process by hopping into the bedroom? I personally had to stop doing that because I got tired of giving my body to someone that wasn’t right for me. Now I can tell early on of someone is going to work out or not & I’m not left feeing shame that it didn’t work out because we had sex. Then there are some guys that I’m able to have a great friendship with (that I know wouldn’t work in a romantic relationship) because sex was off the table.

    Proper process of a relationship once given by my pastor: you should be friends first, then date, then court, then marriage. Sex is not included until the marriage.

    So Shannel…I hope this has helped. I hope that you fully heal so that you can learn to trust, love, & let someone love you the proper way you need to be loved.

    Be blessed!

  3. cocostilletto says:

    I’m just seeing that my response to your response was never posted. You are absolutely right… I haven’t healed from my past relationship… However, I have been doing what you suggested this last month since I posted on here. Me and my current situation we have only had sex I can count on one hand literally and it’s going on a year now. I think because I relate sex to being such a huge connection that I was blocking getting to know and accept the real person in front of me. We live in separate cities (until May now) so that has something to do with it as well. But….. I always hated long distance relationships and that was another reason I tried to push him away. This man who loves me, will do anything for me and deals with my stubborn attitude and rejections patiently.

    So I took a step back and looked at my situation. If I cut this man off who is probably the best man I have ever had treat me like a queen and respects me because he is in another state, will I be cutting my blessings? Is it a bad thing that this man is so nice Im not use to it? Is it that bad that he snores when he sleep? The sex can actually improve with time….I agree with your thoughts and advice. So I decided to embrace the situation continue to learn each other and be happy. I never allowed myself to get to know someone and not hold him to the convictions of my past relationships. So as I patiently wait for him to move here and we talk marriage I respect him more and more by allowing myself to step out of my “comfort zone”

    Thank you for your response it enlightened me and helped me let go and let God. 🙂

    • Coco's Couch says:

      Praise God! I’m glad that you are taking things slow. You will never know what amazing things can happen in your life if you stay in your “comfort zone”. I pray that God gives you discernment in your situation & that you start to rely more on Him & less on your thoughts and feelings! Be blessed! 🙂

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