After finding out about all the other women and the baby on the way, it took some time for me to realize exactly what happened. I was still in total shock. I could not believe what was happening to me, what happened to my relationship. For three days after the breakup, the only emotion I felt was rage. I got rid of everything that reminded me of him. Once all the evidence of what once was our relationship was gone, that’s when it hit me hard. I could not stop crying. I moped around the house. I wanted to stay in bed. I didn’t think that I could move on, but in time I did.
Here are some things I did and did not do that helped me survive my breakup from hell:
1. I STOPPED blaming myself: Often times women tend to blame themselves when their relationships end badly. I’m not saying that women are never the cause of their failed relationships. In my case, and situations like mine, it was not my fault that he couldn’t keep his member in his pants. It was not my fault that he got someone pregnant. It was not my fault that he chased after everything with a nice pair of legs and a big butt. Initially, I would think: Had I did this . . . I should have done that . . . I could have been more like . . .
I quickly realized that I did nothing to him to deserve to be lied to, manipulated, cheated on, and betrayed. Those were his issues; NOT MINE. So sis . . . stop blaming yourself! He was not the one for you. If you look back, you may see that you probably should not have been with him in the first place! This was definitely the case for me.
2. I stopped all communication with him: I had to stop talking to him for a long period of time. This was hard because for nearly 3 years we talked everyday. In order for me to move on, I had to stop talking to him. I stopped answering his calls, text messages, and emails. I wouldn’t even read the text messages and emails; I would just delete them. I also had to cut off communication with his family. My ex and I didn’t have anything tieing us together, so why would I continue to show up to family functions. All communication had to stop!
3. I took time out for me: We all know the saying The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one. I really want to find the woman who first spoke this. This is the worst advice ever!! Why would you want to bring someone else into your mess?? Oh I get it . . . after your breakup you are extremely vulnerable, lonely, want to be held, and/or want to prove to your ex that there are plenty of other guys out there just wanting to be with you. All those things maybe valid, but rushing into a new relationship is not going to heal you from the hurt you are experiencing. I knew better than to rush into anything with anyone. So I took some time out for me.
- I first took a look back at all of my past relationships. I began to notice a trend. All of my past relationships ended with me being cheated on. In every last one, I was lied to, mistreated, used, walked over, manipulated, and disrespected. I questioned what was it about me that attracted the type of men who would treat me this way. I was the common denominator in my relationships. A change had to come from within me. I realized I was not happy with me. I still had low self-esteem and a lack of confidence within myself.
- Because I was not happy with me. I did not date anyone! I did not give out my number, nor accept numbers from men. I didn’t even talk to my girlfriends about their boyfriends or relationship woes. I knew I couldn’t give them sound advice because I was in a jacked up mindset. If I wasn’t happy being with me, then why would someone else be happy with me. I needed to learn to be by myself. And I had to be okay with being by myself. It was through that time alone that I began to develop more in my Christian walk (this was a huge process as well).
- I focused my energy on finishing my degree and advancing in my career. I kept busy with school, work, and volunteering in the community. I also made sure I hung out with friends and family. I needed to keep good, positive people around me during this difficult time. After being busy all day, I realized how much I didn’t think about my ex. However, at night the thoughts came to taunt me. It was then where I would have dialogues with God. I would just pray and talk to God about what I was feeling and thinking.
Taking time out for myself helped me to increase my self-esteem, and confidence. I realized my worth and how valuable I am. I established standards and boundaries. I knew not only what I want but most importantly what I deserved. It took me about a year and a half before I felt like I was truly ready to date again. Yes a year and a half of no dating & isolation. As a sign of freedom, I chopped off my hair! It was a bold statement, and a way to embrace this new me! I have been wearing short hair ever since.
4. I did not repay hurt with hurt: Although at the time, I really wanted to put his tires on flats and totally damage his car. I did not do those things. What good would it have done for me to damage his property or do anything to harm him? He was not worth it! So instead, I just focused on myself and moved on. If children are in the picture, don’t deprive him of seeing his children because you two didn’t work out (especially if he is a good father). That’s not cool! The best thing you can do to get over an ex, is to put for time and energy into yourself. Become a better you; a better person than you were when you was with him. Trust me, they will soon regret letting their diamond in the rough go!
If you are going through a breakup from hell, please know that you can survive this. Not only can you survive it, but you can do it with style & grace. Don’t repay hurt with hurt. Take the necessary time out for yourself. Understand how beautiful, how valuable, and worthy you are. If you don’t see that for yourself, then no one else will either. Put on your stilettos, and walk into the things that God has in store for you!