No Chaser


No Chaser image 2So meet a guy, you think he’s cute, you like him, and you two start hanging out. Not dating, just hanging out. Ladies there is a BIG difference between “dating” and “hanging out”. You know, that let’s chill at my place or yours with a Red Box DVD and take out food type of “hang out”. And if you really like him, that: I’ll cook for you and chill with you while watching T.V. “hang out”. Or you are overly available to him . . . willing to do any and everything without much return on your investment. Stop it! 

Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with someone of the opposite sex. I too have my share of male friends that I hang out with. Actually, sometimes it’s nice to chill with my male friends, I tend to gain much insight from them. The problem is not hanging out with someone of the opposite sex; it’s a problem when you’re dating him and he’s not dating you. You know he’s not dating you because you are the one chasing him to get him to date you or show the same interest in you that you show in him. By being the chaser, you are making it so easy for him not to date you. It’s time to stop chasing sis!! Let the men do the chasing!No Chaser image

Don’t you know that men by nature are hunters? If they see something they like, they tend to go after it. It’s the thrill of the hunt that excites men. Some men will jump on the opportunity right away. Some may take their time and ease their way into going after what they see. Regardless of their method, the fact remains that men will go after, chase, hunt for what they want. A woman does not have to do much to show that she is interested in a man. There are ways a woman can show interest without:

Stalking his Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram

Strategically placing yourself where he will be so that he sees you

Blowing his phone up every 5 minutes

Just to name a few.

Point is, as a woman you don’t have to do much to show you are interested. Trust me, if he is at all interested, he will show it. He will call you. He will take you out on a date. He will proclaim you to his friends. He will show his interest!!

No matter how good of a woman you are, it does not matter to a man who is NOT ready! Don’t force a relationship that is not meant to be. Stop chasing!

~Hazel~

Chivalrous Acts Backfired!!


I beliChivalry open door imageeve it’s safe to say that we’ve all heard the saying “chivalry is dead”.  Is chivalry really dead? While some may agree to this saying, I tend to disagree. I truly believe that the gentleman still exists. The gentleman who performs chivalrous acts because he knows how to respect and treat a woman. The problem, is that the gentleman is no longer required to perform these acts. Society has made it so acceptable that a man no longer have to:

Open doors for a woman

Call when he says he will call

Knock on your door to pick you up for your date instead of blowing the horn as a signal to hurry your butt outside (whew I had a flashback!)

Offer his jacket if you’re cold

Compliments you

Pull the car around because it’s raining hard or

Just all around respecting you and everything about you.

Really what it boils down to is that women no longer require this of their suitors.Chivalry polite image

Here are my thoughts:

  • Maybe one reason for this is because it truly has become more acceptable now to hook up with each other rather than date or court. We’re too busy trying to satisfy a burning desire in a short & quick way (no pun intended); all the while we are longing for something long term. We convince ourselves that we are getting our needs met through this hook up, just to find ourselves feeling like a piece of crap afterwards. Yeah it was good for the 30 minutes it lasted (and for some you would’ve rather watched paint dry instead). You then find yourself feeling cheated, disgusted, searching for your dignity, and more lonely than ever before. Since all he does is “hit it & quit it”, you think chivalry is dead, and that there are no good brothers out here. No my sister, that’s not the case! With this type of hook up mentality, you skipped past the “getting to know each other” phase, and accepted getting tangled up with each other in the sheets. When you open yourself to a hook up, you open yourself to a quick and easy transaction; leaving no time for chivalrous acts. (There will be a blog titled “No More Hook Ups”)
  • Another reason for this lack of chivalry, is the way some women respond to it. I have experienced and seen three types of responses to chivalry:
  1. The woman that automatically thinks you are trying to “get” with her. Maybe she feels/thinks this way because of the years of “hooking up” made her feel that every guy who approaches her is after one thing. Or maybe because she has gone through lots of pain (could be to no fault of her own), and now has built up a huge wall. She is guarded, and doesn’t know how to accept the acts of a true gentleman. It scares her. So “hook ups”, “randoms”, and men that don’t value her is where her comfort is.
  2. The woman who gets carried away by the kind gesture, and is already planning a wedding in her head. chivalry flowersThis woman will rush the relationship into a marriage with 2.5 kids and a dog after a “hello”, a great date, or compliments that make her feel things she never felt before.
  3. My favorite. The one I finally became. This woman knows she is worth these kinds of gestures, and recognizes when a guy is being a gentleman or if he is running game. She takes time to assess the suitor without making him pay for any past hurts or mistakes. She’s not quick to dismiss the act or see it as a sign of marriage. She waits to get to know him before making any abrupt decisions.

Ladies . . . chivalry is not DEAD!! Don’t get so caught up in the hype of a hook up that you miss out on something special. Also remember this: Just because he compliments you, that doesn’t mean he is trying to “get” with you or that he’s “thirsty”. Just because you two had a few great dates, that doesn’t mean you need to now plan a wedding. SLOW down my sister!! Take the gesture for what it’s worth, say “thank you”, and keep it moving. High expectations and unrealistic expectations will leave you highly disappointed.

~Hazel~

*all images are from Google images*

Female Contenders


Ladies, when will we stop being in competition with one another? When will we stop the “cat fighting”, bickering, and displaying “petty” behavior towards each other? When will we start to uplift one another, empower one another, and encourage one another? Or how about learn from one another?

Is it easier for some of us to just put our invisible (in some cases visible) boxing gloves on, and get in the ring with each other? It’s time to STOP being female contenders towards one another.

Female Contender pic

Now I have had, and still have my share of female contenders. I was also once a female contender as well. One day I realized I am better off being in harmony rather than being in competition with my fellow sister. Insecure women compete with other women. I’ve learned how to handle my insecurities and embrace my imperfections, so competing with other women does not suit the woman I have become. I now know that I don’t have to stoop to my female contender’s level and get in the ring with her. Instead, I love her from a distance (as frustrating as this can be at times).

Here’s my message to female contenders:

Why would I be in competition with you? I’m too busy competing against myself! Each day that I have breath in my body, I am striving to be a better me! You see,  I am my biggest competition!

So woman to woman, I applaud you, I salute you, I respect you, and I respect your hustle. Believe me when I say I wish nothing but the best for you. While I encourage you to be the best woman you can be, please know that I’m not interested in competing with you; as the competition within myself is more thrilling for me. So take your boxing gloves off, it’s going to be okay.”

Less contending and more uplifting ladies!! Be Blessed!!

~Hazel~

You Too Can Heal (Pt. 3): A Walk Through My Healing Journey


20140112-220510.jpg
OMG! What did I just do?
I’m not crazy!!
I have to cancel this appointment!
But no I really need to talk to someone!
Wait . . . this is not in my budget!
Hazel, the payment will work itself out.

These were my thoughts when I hung up that phone. Even as I drove to Nathan’s office, I was thinking of all of the reasons as to why I needed to turn around. For some reason, I couldn’t do it. I had to keep my appointment.

I had never been more scared as I sat in his office. How could I open up to someone I barely knew? What if he judges me? The thoughts began to race. Although it was scary, it felt good to finally open all the way up, and let someone in. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I knew I was about to enter an amazing journey!

I hid the fact that I was seeing a therapist for the first two months of therapy. I only told a select few people. I needed to do this without the thoughts, opinions, and judgement of others. Besides I needed to come to grips of this myself.

Through therapy, I learned how to walk into the freedom of forgiveness. I learned what my triggers are, and how to handle them.
I learned to open myself up, and be vulnerable (and that this is okay to do sometimes).
I learned how to communicate in a healthy way.
I learned how to accept love from others.
I learned how to control my thoughts.
I learned how to relax.
I learned how to recognize when fear is talking to me.
I learned how to accept people for who they are, and not what my past tells me who they are.
Above all, I learned how to truly love on God, separate Him from my earthly father, and allow Him to love and move in my life by surrendering to His will.

8 months of consistent weekly therapy, and a lifetime of joy, peace, and love. WOW! No more masking the hurt and pain with sex and alcohol. I finally feel free, and happier than I ever had been in my life.

Through therapy and surrendering it all to God, I can now say I’m healed! You Too Can Heal!

~Hazel~

You Too Can Heal (Pt. 2): A Walk Through My Healing Journey


20140109-190349.jpg I’ll never forget that day in Sunday School. I still get goosebumps thinking about it. We were studying a series from a book called Freedom in Christ. This particular day we were talking about “Fear”. The teacher did an exercise on me in front of the class, where he tapped into some areas of my childhood I thought I was past. During this exercise, I realized that fear entered my life when I was around the age of 4. This was when my father left. His abuse of alcohol and drugs took over him. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why this was bothering me because I forgave my father years ago. Heck that same year was the ending of my 4th year being his caretaker. He’s still alive by the way; just under the care of my brother. I suddenly realized that I was still harboring hurt and pain as a result of his absence. I mean I knew my choice in men had to do with the relationship (or lack of) I had with my dad. It hit me that the hurt and pain was deeper than I thought. In that moment, I began to have an emotional breakdown in front of everyone.

At the end of class, the teacher gave me his number. He told me that I needed to speak to someone, even it it wasn’t him. It was then I discovered that he is not only a minister/Sunday School teacher, he is a Marriage & Family Therapist. “Oh heck no! I’m not seeing a therapist! I’m not crazy!”, is all that I was thinking.

I left church messed up inside over the revelation I received. That week, I started getting those headaches again. I started to realize I truly haven’t been myself. Always tired, worrying, highly defensive, and anxious. On top of all of that, the headaches were not helping. I finally went to the doctor. The doctor stated that it sounded like I was depressed! I was not claiming that! I didn’t even know I could get depressed. I instantly got upset with my doctor. He prescribed me anti-depressants, and gave me a list of counselors within the network. This is twice I was advised to talk to someone. Needless to say, I was not feeling it!

One day, I woke up full of energy, and with a little extra pep in my step. I got to work extra early. Shocking because I hated my job at the time. Another one of my stressors. Next thing I know, to no plan of my own, I picked up the phone and called Nathan McGuire. After I hung up, I realized I just made an appointment with him that same day (Nov. 18, 2012 I believe it was). Nathan, my Sunday School teacher. Nathan, the Marriage & Family Therapist. Y’all I booked my first therapy appointment.

Follow the next several posts, as I continue to take you all through my journey of healing.

-Hazel~